I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
