we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
