it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
