I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
