Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
