I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
