Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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