Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
