god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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