and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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