Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize