nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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