If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I am never drinking with the goths again.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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