Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
