I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
