Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
