at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
