guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
