I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
