Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize