Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize