AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
