You're so nebulous sometimes
My liver just broke up with me...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
