Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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