i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
