He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
