false alarm. still invincible.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
