Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
