Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
