it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
