youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
