Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
