I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
