someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
