im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
