His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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