I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
