You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
