Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
