just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
