Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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