Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
