6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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