Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
