I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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