I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
