Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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