sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
