It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
