Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
