I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
