My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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