White coat. Heels.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize