my phone needs a breathalizer
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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