He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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