I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
