New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
