I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
